Yes, I'm pretty much alive after that 'amusing' outburst almost a month ago.
My freaking out gauge has lowered, but not gone.
The depression gauge has, well, depressed to a non-existant level, I hope.
Currently dealing with uni, which so far has been alright, other than the crazy system where I have to drive all the way to the main building in the opposite wing everytime I need to get something small done, and the lack of parking spots when I'm there.
Despite that, I think I'll live, but there's still time before I revert back to my usual attitude towards going to school (nuking threats included)
So, I'm alive.
Dracoli's alive and single.
Emoperor is alive, in a place which according to some, is pretty monotone when it comes to skin colour.
Nothing to panic about...for now.
Lex.
Alive and out.
Sunday, October 4, 2009
Sunday, September 6, 2009
I'm going nuts.
Alright, so I never said I was normal.
But now, I'm seriously going nuts.
Being disconnected from real world things for almost a year can do that to a person.
No, being disconnected isn't the problem, it's the re-connecting part that kills you.
And falling sick during the process of re-connection is even worse.
My life have been revolving through the the internet for about 10 months, watching and reading about Japanese idols to pass time. In case anyone's interested, the ideas for those rookies pieces I drew manifested from that interest of mine. So things have been very carefree and I don't have to give a crap about anything since it has nothing to do with anyone outside of my head and computer screen. Nice, blissful time that was.
Then there came horrifying time. I had to get into uni and all that official crap. Things start pouring into my head and there are so many THINGS to pay attention to, take note of, register, and more THINGS to get and deal with. That guidebook and guidelines were definitely not helping since it's practically screaming at me that if you don't do THIS or if you're late for THAT, you going to DIE, metaphorically speaking.
What. The. Hell.
I used to just sail through everything in secondary school even if it's official. I freaking suspended 9 prefects and technically put them through 1 week of humiliation in a blink of an eye without feeling slight remorse or even fear that they would gather a whole posse to beat me up or destroy my brother's car outside of school.
Now? I'm going bloody crazy over something not life threatening like a missing set of lab manual and I keep second guessing myself on the time and place for the next class in uni. I even check 31265465times the time and place for my classes and for things I couldn't check, I'd freak out internally....again.
I wonder if using the excuse of being sick and on meds will make myself sound and FEEL better. Interesting point to note, I think I half-intentionally took about 41ml or more of cough syrup (since I have cough not because I want to get high like some junkies) within 24 hours when the bottle specifically wrote not take more than 40ml within 24 hours. So, I'm guessing that I accidentally overdosed myself with meds that I'm blowing things out of proportion and making myself depressed.
Amusing. Very amusing.
So what exactly I'm doing now? I stopped taking those depression inducing meds but still taking another one to help my aching back, which is caused by coughing too much in the wrong posture. At least I'm not being depressed but that doesn't mean I've stopped freaking out. However, I have to thank Dracoli for being such a nice, caring, etc. (you know the drill, no need to turn something 'emo' into mushy unless you want it) friend.
I hate being depressed and I hate freaking out like this.
GAH!!
I. Need. To. Get. A. Grip.
I should go sleep now. I have to face those freaking out sessions tomorrow.
And I need stop myself from putting those stupid freaking out images into my head when I sleep.
Kamisama Tasukete! Daigaku e ikanai. Uchi ni tamaritai.
Uh.........nevermind.
P.s. I'm wondering if I should publish this seemingly out-of-the-ordinary craziness post.
P.s.p.s. Oh, what the heck. It's not like it's scandalous, even if I haven't whined about not wanting to go to school for a long time.
P.s.p.s.p.s By the way, Emoperor will be on a plane bound for The Land of The English in less than 24 hours.
Alright, so I never said I was normal.
But now, I'm seriously going nuts.
Being disconnected from real world things for almost a year can do that to a person.
No, being disconnected isn't the problem, it's the re-connecting part that kills you.
And falling sick during the process of re-connection is even worse.
My life have been revolving through the the internet for about 10 months, watching and reading about Japanese idols to pass time. In case anyone's interested, the ideas for those rookies pieces I drew manifested from that interest of mine. So things have been very carefree and I don't have to give a crap about anything since it has nothing to do with anyone outside of my head and computer screen. Nice, blissful time that was.
Then there came horrifying time. I had to get into uni and all that official crap. Things start pouring into my head and there are so many THINGS to pay attention to, take note of, register, and more THINGS to get and deal with. That guidebook and guidelines were definitely not helping since it's practically screaming at me that if you don't do THIS or if you're late for THAT, you going to DIE, metaphorically speaking.
What. The. Hell.
I used to just sail through everything in secondary school even if it's official. I freaking suspended 9 prefects and technically put them through 1 week of humiliation in a blink of an eye without feeling slight remorse or even fear that they would gather a whole posse to beat me up or destroy my brother's car outside of school.
Now? I'm going bloody crazy over something not life threatening like a missing set of lab manual and I keep second guessing myself on the time and place for the next class in uni. I even check 31265465times the time and place for my classes and for things I couldn't check, I'd freak out internally....again.
I wonder if using the excuse of being sick and on meds will make myself sound and FEEL better. Interesting point to note, I think I half-intentionally took about 41ml or more of cough syrup (since I have cough not because I want to get high like some junkies) within 24 hours when the bottle specifically wrote not take more than 40ml within 24 hours. So, I'm guessing that I accidentally overdosed myself with meds that I'm blowing things out of proportion and making myself depressed.
Amusing. Very amusing.
So what exactly I'm doing now? I stopped taking those depression inducing meds but still taking another one to help my aching back, which is caused by coughing too much in the wrong posture. At least I'm not being depressed but that doesn't mean I've stopped freaking out. However, I have to thank Dracoli for being such a nice, caring, etc. (you know the drill, no need to turn something 'emo' into mushy unless you want it) friend.
I hate being depressed and I hate freaking out like this.
GAH!!
I. Need. To. Get. A. Grip.
I should go sleep now. I have to face those freaking out sessions tomorrow.
And I need stop myself from putting those stupid freaking out images into my head when I sleep.
Kamisama Tasukete! Daigaku e ikanai. Uchi ni tamaritai.
Uh.........nevermind.
P.s. I'm wondering if I should publish this seemingly out-of-the-ordinary craziness post.
P.s.p.s. Oh, what the heck. It's not like it's scandalous, even if I haven't whined about not wanting to go to school for a long time.
P.s.p.s.p.s By the way, Emoperor will be on a plane bound for The Land of The English in less than 24 hours.
Friday, September 4, 2009
reminiscing
was in the gym today with some friends (no i wasn't working out) and we hit a topic which made me remember somethings or rather someone.
i want to thank my first love, ong chik ho. better known as baker boyfriend. even though he won't understand this or even own a computer for that matter, i still want to express my gratitude.
you were my first and taught me so many things. i admit there was a period of time where i just hated you for hurting me so but i could never stay mad at you. i just learned to accept that even though fate brought someone into your life doesn't mean that fate will let him/her stay.
you knew how to treat a girl right and loved me very much. i was so happy with you. i could be myself with you cause you accepted me as a whole as i did you. even though you were six years my senior, i could still act childish with you. thank you for introducing me to that type of love. thank you for the memories and good times. thank you so much...
i want to thank my first love, ong chik ho. better known as baker boyfriend. even though he won't understand this or even own a computer for that matter, i still want to express my gratitude.
you were my first and taught me so many things. i admit there was a period of time where i just hated you for hurting me so but i could never stay mad at you. i just learned to accept that even though fate brought someone into your life doesn't mean that fate will let him/her stay.
you knew how to treat a girl right and loved me very much. i was so happy with you. i could be myself with you cause you accepted me as a whole as i did you. even though you were six years my senior, i could still act childish with you. thank you for introducing me to that type of love. thank you for the memories and good times. thank you so much...
Thursday, September 3, 2009
something's wrong
these few weeks have been quite hard on me. there are just so many things to think and worry about. i try to be happy, tried looking at the bright side of things. i really do.
today i thought lost a good friend over a stupid matter. i didn't mean to hurt you and i wasn't aware that it did. the worst part was finding out from someone else instead of you telling me directly.
i think all the drama is affecting my health. i've been suddenly left breathless for no reason. no hard activities or such. i'd be sitting down and suddenly the air would be taken from me and no matter how hard i inhale, i can't get any oxygen.
i'm scared....what if the tumor came back? the last one was not cancerous -thank the Lord- but the doctor says that there's a high chance of me getting it back....
mom is taking me to the clinic later. hopefully i'm just being paranoid...
today i thought lost a good friend over a stupid matter. i didn't mean to hurt you and i wasn't aware that it did. the worst part was finding out from someone else instead of you telling me directly.
i think all the drama is affecting my health. i've been suddenly left breathless for no reason. no hard activities or such. i'd be sitting down and suddenly the air would be taken from me and no matter how hard i inhale, i can't get any oxygen.
i'm scared....what if the tumor came back? the last one was not cancerous -thank the Lord- but the doctor says that there's a high chance of me getting it back....
mom is taking me to the clinic later. hopefully i'm just being paranoid...
Friday, August 28, 2009
Alright people, you are here by given permission to panic.
.......
I'm back to studying in approximately 83 hours.
.......
Kaeru is now Dracoli Sly.
.......
Emoperor will be leaving the potato country in approximately 240 hours.
.......
.......
.......
AaAAaAAAAAaaaaaAaaaAaHhHhhHHhhHHhhhhhhHHhhh!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------
That was pretty nostalgic.
With that out of the way, I stole a personality test from Mel's blog.
You can take the test here: http://www.ipersonic.com/
My results were rather 'amusing' with a hint of 'deja vu'. Sort of.
Read about it here: http://www.ipersonic.com/type/RR.html
Reliable Realist, eh?
I think Retarded Rooster sounds more amusing, don't you think? (I'm not calling myself a chicken, mind you)
Now I hope(read:demand) the other Damngraphic-ers to try this.
Lex.
Back from the dead and straight into hell.
.......
I'm back to studying in approximately 83 hours.
.......
Kaeru is now Dracoli Sly.
.......
Emoperor will be leaving the potato country in approximately 240 hours.
.......
.......
.......
AaAAaAAAAAaaaaaAaaaAaHhHhhHHhhHHhhhhhhHHhhh!!!!!!!!
------------------------------------------------
That was pretty nostalgic.
With that out of the way, I stole a personality test from Mel's blog.
You can take the test here: http://www.ipersonic.com/
My results were rather 'amusing' with a hint of 'deja vu'. Sort of.
Read about it here: http://www.ipersonic.com/type/RR.html
Reliable Realist, eh?
I think Retarded Rooster sounds more amusing, don't you think? (I'm not calling myself a chicken, mind you)
Now I hope(read:demand) the other Damngraphic-ers to try this.
Lex.
Back from the dead and straight into hell.
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